A sad understanding

On Kelly's first day of Kindergarten, my Mom cried at the bus stop, and then got in her car and followed the bus all the way to the school, a whole 1.3 miles down the road.


I never understood why my Mom would feel sad when it was the 1st day of school again, or why she would be as upset as the rest of us when Christmas vaca was shorter than usual. I honestly thought she was just doing it to help us feel better. She hated that line in the Christmas song, "And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again." When we would ask her if she was excited for that, she would get this annoyed look on her face and say, "Of course not. I love being around my kids."


I didn't get it. I really cannot express enough how much this idea eluded me. Didn't she want a break? Wasn't she bitter that she had to spend all day every day taking care of us? If I were a mom, I would think, I would want every vacation that I could get. In the latest Cheaper by the Dozen the mom's dreams are coming true. She's a famous author, and she's doing a book signing tour. And yet, she can't sleep. She calls down to the hotel front desk and is like, "Can I get twelve pillows up here?" Because she misses her twelve kids that much.


Today is the lil guy's first day at Daycare, and I officially "get it." I mean sure, he hasn't left yet and yes, I pick him up around 11, but I still miss him so much already.


Maybe if he was a horrible child who bit and screamed and threw fits, I would welcome this day with open arms and balloons. But as it is, he is not, and I could not sleep.


I set my alarm for 9:46am, because I felt that for sure they would be gone by then. But no. I woke up at 6:57, 7:23, 7:45, 8:46.... finally at 9:03 I could not force my wide-awake self to lie in bed any longer.


There is not a lot that can distract me at the moment. I am feeling honestly and truly sad right now. Even though I have only been his nanny for three and a half months, the lil guy is basically my best friend. I love spending time with him. I love finding things I think he would enjoy doing. I love playing games with him. I love feeding him vitamins. The most mundane tasks are always better when I am with my lil guy.


When I first began this job, the old nanny, Tressa, got really teary the last day. She said that she didn't realize she would miss him this much. I patted her arm in a consoling manner and thought to myself, "Well this is weird." At that point, if I'm being honest, I didn't see anything that special about the lil guy. He was just another kid and I was babysitting him for the next four or so months. And for awhile, this was how I felt.


I hated mornings, because he would always cry when I would come out because he knew I was taking him away from his parents. I vowed we would never visit a Smithsonian because I was terrified of the metro, of getting lost, and (my pride kicked in) of looking too "tourist-y." I was constantly exhausted, and the first few weeks I went to bed before eight every night. Walks seemed to take forever, and minutes felt like years. My feet always hurt, and the moment we stepped back in the house I raced to my pig slippers to provide them some sort of relief. Nap time was the best time of the day. I hated Gymboree, because that meant that I had to use the metro at least once a week. We were constantly at the zoo, because that was the one place I knew and the lil guy could spend forever there. I was dead-set on spending all day, every day at the zoo and this one park.


I honestly had no idea of what to do with this child. I didn't know how to have a conversation with a 21 month old who didn't know any other words besides "bus" and "yes," so I began to teach the lil guy words. One of our favorite places to watch the buses had all these stairs, so I began holding his hand, and we would walk up and down, and every single time we went up I would say, "up!" and every single stair we went down, I would say, "down!" One of the best days was when the lil guy began to say them with me.


And I think that is when it all came together for me. The lil guy would still cry in the mornings, but I knew he would stop as soon as we got to the elevator. I loved our walks, and would always be surprised when I would check my clock and see that we had been out for over an hour. We would play games and he liked when I read to him. I met other nannies and made friends. The lil guy would smile and laugh and say new words. I began to miss my lil guy over the weekends and would constantly talk about him. Sometimes even nap time would seem like too long and I would want him to wake up so we could go have more fun. And then one day, I was ready to brave the Smithsonians.


The night before we went out and the morning of I studied the metro map and then Google maps collectively for at least three hours. Now I know how to get to the Air and Space Museum, the Museum of Natural History, and the American History Museum. I understand better how to use the street signs to help me. I love the metro system.


Most of all, I love my lil guy. I didn't think I would get so attached, but he has taken over a permanent spot of my heart. He is such a wonderful, smart, sweet, clever, funny kid. He has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen, and the funniest expressions.


I remember one time I was taking him home from a doctor appointment and it was raining a bit. I had his dumb stroller, so there was no covering and I myself was just wearing a hoodie for protection. The lil guy peevishly pointed to his wet hair and I, not wanting the lil guy to get upset because he was getting rained on, said with as much energy as I could muster, "Look, lil guy! Rain is coming down! Isn't it fun to walk in the rain?!" My enthusiasm was met with a bewildered stare. He clearly thought I was short a few when I began belting, "If allll the raindrops were gooey gumps and gumdrops oh what a world this would be! Standing outside with my mouth open wide going AH-AH-oh-AH-AH-oh-AH-AH-oh-AH!"


Another time I decided we were going to go on this wooded trail in the back of our apartment. I excitedly talked about all the squirrels and trees and birds we would see as I zipped up his jacket and made sure he had on his closed-toe shoes. When we arrived at the head of the trail, the lil guy looked at it, and then looked up at me with a face that clearly said, "You're nuts, Nicole. Why would you ever want to go in there?" Oh but we were going. "Come on lil guy! There are stairs!" I exclaimed joyfully. That was enough to convince him for a very short while. A very very short while. In a manner of minutes I was carrying him determinedly onward, but I was not Super Nanny at this time and my muscles gave out when we were only a couple hundred feet (and one big hill) in. We could still see the head of the trail, a fact that delighted the lil guy as much as it saddened me.


I love my lil guy. He has taught me so much. He is patient and sweet and the best sharer and cute as a button and kind. I would be the happiest girl in the world if my future children were like him. I plan on naming one of my sons after him, just like how my mom named Sarah after the Sara she nannied for.


I came into this job with the firm belief that four months was not enough time to get attached. I was sure that my last day would be a huge relief for me. The initial appeal of this job was that I would be living in DC, something I had always wanted to do.


That was it. I never expected to make nanny friends, in fact I didn't want to at first. I never expected to love my job and look forward to Monday. I never saw myself thinking about what the baby would want- I always thought it would be about what I felt up to. In a way, it is, but I am more willing to go out of my comfort zone for the lil guy than for anyone else, and by a huge margin. I am constantly looking out for things that I think he would love and preparing to go out and do it. I never thought that I could feel so protective over a child who was not my own or not a member of my family. The other nannies bewildered me. They were always playing with their kids and giving them hugs and kisses and looking like they were having the time of their lives. I never thought I would love my lil guy. I wasn't even sure if I would remotely like him.


Everything about this experience has been different from what I expected. I didn't think I would get this job, but I got it. I didn't think I would like living in a city, but I love it. I didn't think nap time could ever be too long, but sometimes it is. I didn't think I would ever just know off the top of my head how to get places, but I do. I didn't think I would be good enough at the metro to give people directions, but I am. I didn't think my suite would ever feel like home, but it does.


And finally, I didn't think I could ever feel so much love and concern for the lil guy. Not in the remotest sense. But I do, and in 21 days I will be sadder than I am today, because December 2, 2011, is my last day of work.

And I have the best job in the world.

I like talking about myself

A lot apparently, but that is what my blog is for :)

More fun facts people!

• When I like a song, I listen to it constantly. For example. I have been listening to this song called "Boy like you" by Ke$ha ft Ashley Tidsdale for the last two days. Whenever I have a new song that I love I make a playlist on playlist.com of just that song, and I just keep it playing until I get tired of it. Sometimes it plays for a couple hours, sometimes a couple weeks. For real.
• I have never had a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. That is because I want my first one to be in Philadelphia, and even though I havee been there I have not tasted one yet.
• I have a Maryland Accent, which I didn't even believe in until I watched this part of 30 Rock....

• I love pumpkin bread, especially the one at the Amish Market. It is seriously heaven.
• Sometimes I have dreams wherein I am Harry Potter. Voldemort is, of course, after me, and it is sometimes not scary but most of the time it is. And the thing is, I don't consider myself obsessed with Harry Potter. I mean sure, I love the books. Who doesn't? I like to reread them at least once a year, although there were a few years when I didn't read the first few, and also a few years when I only read the 3rd because that's the only one where Voldemort doesn't show up. I was absolutely terrified of Voldemort as a kid. Even now, I'm glad he's dead. Helps me sleep at night.
• I love frappuccinos. I think it really is just the name. Sooo cool.
• I am not that dazzled by jewelry. Oh believe me, I've tried to get into it. I have lotsa necklaces and earrings, but mostly they just sit around being pretty. Sorry. I hate hate hatee bracelets and rings, which I realize will be a problem in 5ish years when I get engaged.
• Comfort foods are cinnamon raisin bagels with cream cheese, orange juice with pulp, California rolls, that spinach stuff from Boston Market, Phish Food icecream, kipper snacks, red sauce, orange beef from Hunan Manor or Hunan House, bread dipped in olive oil and spices, red grapes, plain bagel with turkey and provolone cheese melt, raspberry lemonade, honey sesame chicken from Hunan House, cookies n cream fro yo (recent development), broccoli cheddar soup from Panera, Chinese chicken salad....
• I also love love LOVE crasins, sliced almonds, and scallions. Just plain, and all together. I don't know why. It is just SO DELICIOUS to me.

Ohmigosh. Literally every other comment on this post is about food. WHY AM I SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?! I think I'm still so distressed about how Firewood Bakery did not have any Pumpkin Walnut muffins left when I went there today. I wanted one SO BAD.

20 Questions

So there is this blog called My life is not a Jane Austen novel, but don't worry, it is a good blog! Anyway. So they have all these writers who go by pen names and they talk about their various romantic misadventures. One of the writers is a boy whose pen name is Featherstone Mcgee. Agh. that does sound disasterous doesn't it? I prahh-mise this is an awesome blog. Soooo funny :)

Anyway. Featherstone has agreed to be set up on a blind date with one of the readers. He will be taking them to the Murder Mystery dinner this Saturday I believe! I have always wanted to go to a Murder Mystery dinner and I am sooo upset that I am not there! But, I refuse to let myself miss out on all the fun. They have a game of 20 questions that girls are supposed to submit their answers to by Thursday. Featherstone will review the answers and pick the girl who he feels would be most compatible with him. So I am going to answer these questions!

1. Describe your perfect date in 15 words or less: Anything but bowling or a movie. Probably involves hot chocolate and snow
2. Cat person or dog person? Dog
3. Least favorite movie genre? Romantic tragedy. They are so annoying.
4. Second favorite book? Harry Potter 4: The Goblet of Fire
5. Dessert of choice? Pumpkin bread
6. Favorite season? Cannot chose just one. I love Fall and Winter
7. Favorite activity to do in aforementioned season? I am such a holiday person, so Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas activities. 'Tis the season!
8. What kind of music do you listen to? Hip hop, country, rap, rock, classical....really everything. I'm not a music snob. Except concerning screamo.
9. Are you more of a city person or a country person? CITY<3
10. If you could have lunch with any person from past or present, who would it be and what would you order? Ughh I am torn between Kate Middleton, Martin Luther (not to be confused with MLK Jr.), George Washington, Captain Moroni, or Prince Harry! And I would eat Honey Sesame chicken, red grapes, cucumber, blueberry yogurt, and fortune cookies so I could have a souvenir
11. What are three things that set you apart/make you different from the rest of the girls in Provo? One, I am not in Provo. Two, I hate pandas. Three....??
12. Are you a clever person? i.e. if I take you to the murder mystery dinner, will you be a useful addition to my mystery-solving team? Of course! I've read, like, every Nancy Drew book!
13. What are you most passionate about? Knowledge. I love learning new things, and try to stay as informed as possible so I can be useful to society.
14. What is your favorite scripture and why? Alma 32:21. I love this scripture because it was the first scripture I ever learned- when I was knee high and my dad was the ward Seminary teacher. Because I have known it longer than any other scripture, I have had more time to reflect on it. I love this scripture because I keep learning from it. It's simple but it answers a fundamental gospel question.
15. If you were granted three wishes what would they be? If I'm being honest, 1. Unlimited funds, 2. To have all my friends and family in the Celestial Kingdom with me, 3. This amazing internship that my friend had
16. What is the most adventurous thing you've ever done? Gone to the bathroom outside. I haven't been all that adventurous thus far, but I do have interesting plans if that counts
17. What makes you laugh? Okay, what kind of a question is this? Funny people make me laugh. Modern Family for example. And my own family come to think of it.
18. What is the silliest-sounding word you know? Colossal and biscuit. Biscuit just because of how it's spelled. How weird is that?
19. If a movie was made of your life, the soundtrack would consist mainly of songs by: T-Pain, because I'm from the hood. Nahh just kidding. I am not very sure. I love the music by the Trans Siberian Orchestra, so I'd probably want that in the background.
20. Height? 5'3"ish

Okay is it just me or am I just amazing? I kind of want to submit juuust to see if I would get accepted. But that would be dishonest, not to mention mean, because Iiiii would want to date me.

I've found him!

There is this so awesome new show called "Pan Am," and holy cow I wishhh I had lived at the beginning of the jet age. I would've been a Pan Am stewardess I'm sure of it. I might've even dragged Julie along with me. And, after a long courtship that saw all seven continents and was rife with exciting events that would go down in the history books.... this man....

....would ask me to marry him.

Oh yes.

Here's the dealio- This is my perfect guy. He is

- super attractive, but more handsome than hot

- funny

- confident

- dark-haired

- free-spirited

- smart

He has

- an easy, genuine smile

- brown eyes

- a soft spot. I can just tell that he would be such a good dad for little girls

This character seems so easy to talk to, and he is always happy and wonderful. We would laugh all our days, and he would be handsome forever. He is very kind to the girls in his life, and always looking out for them. He would be super spontaneous and treat me as an equal, just like he does the stewardess'. He is interested in politics and not afraid to work hard. He is confident with a touch of cockiness, which is good, because it's not overbearing but he definitely has a presence. He is protective and a reallll man.

This is exactly what I want. Boys, take note.

My Mom is so nice to me

A couple weeks ago my mother hurt her foot, and I suggested she invest in a pair of slippers that were really squishy.

"Seul gave me these pink pig slippers and I LOVE them and when I first started nannying I kept wearing the wrong shoes so my feet hurt terribly so during naptime I would wear these slippers, and it was like a massage for my feet!" I concluded with, "I used to not believe in slippers, but now I totally do! We should find you some."

And Mom smiled at me and said, "You're so cute."

And I thought it was very nice :)

Justice with no mercy is a pretty tough road, but not a tough call

I was just organizing my Word documents when someehow I managed, by a single click of my mouse, to open dozens of Book of Mormon, Part Two assignments. I was reading through them and I want to occasionally post one on my blog, so my kids can read them. The title of this post is a quote from me in this particular one from March 3rd, 2011. Thank you for reading :)

Make a list of some of the Savior's characteristics you consider to be the most important. Take a personal inventory of your own life with regard to those characteristics and formulate a plan to better fulfill His mandate to be “even as I am.”

      One of the characteristics I consider to be very important that the Savior possesses is that of love for little children. I love little kids, and I have a whole slew of happy younger siblings and neighbor kids to prove it. The problem that I have is patience, so maybe that is more what I am getting at here. When you play with a little kid, it is fun for awhile but then they get hungry, or they need to go to the bathroom or they get grouchy or they're no longer entertained by the same old things and it gets very frustrating very easily. You want to be a nice person and smile at them while they cry and snot runs out of their noses, but it is a tough and sometimes impossible job for me. Jesus Christ always showed love and special attention to the children, and I am sure He never thought an angry thought towards that crying baby during sacrament, or felt an aversion to that smelly diaper.

      In addition to patience with children I could also learn patience in all aspects of my life. Sometimes it is hard to wait, and I find myself blaming others when I don't understand a situation. For example, I recently found out that someone close to me is a pathological liar. At first I was very mad about this. I wanted to confront her in the most embarrassing way possible. I wanted everyone to know about her lies and I wanted them to join me in talking to her about it. My father cautioned me many times about this confrontation I was carefully planning. He said it was not a good idea, but I was beyond reason. I felt extremely betrayed by this person, and I wanted to see her face when she realized the game was up. I had no sympathy for her and rationalized that she “had this coming.” and that we “deserved to have an apology.”

      Well, I would still love one, but I am past a lot of that anger. Jesus, on the other hand, would not feel that anger in the first place. He would feel love and compassion towards her, and above all He would be patient as she tried to figure herself out and eventually fix the problem she had made. And not only that but He would help her along. I considered offering advice but I never knew what to say to her, and honestly neither did anyone else. So since that was the hard way I decided to opt for the easy path- the angry, without understanding path.

      In order to develop patience I need to remember how we are all children of Heavenly Father. It sounds so cliché but it is incredibly true. Also, this girl is not the only one who has made mistakes. Maybe I haven't made the same mistakes, but I am guilty of other things. I need to remember that I will be judged based on how I judge others, and justice with no mercy is a pretty tough road, but not a tough call, and I don't want that for me. I want as much mercy and Christ can dish out, so I need to start being merciful to others as well.

I want to become a Pan Am stewardess

Not really. But in all the commercials for Pan Am, this is the line they show- "I want to see the world. I'll become a Pan Am stewardess!"

I too wish to see the world, but only specific parts of it, and only in a specific fashion. I hate vacations that are big and extravagant. Growing up my favorite place in the world was Blue Knob State Park, Pennsylvania. We stayed in cabins and the bathroom options consisted of the nearest tree or the facilities at the top of the hill- er, mountain.

To be quite honest I don't believe in going somewhere far away and spending an atrocious amount of money to be in a foreign land for a grand total of a week. I like local, and when I say that I mean Blue Knob or the Outer Banks. If I am going to be spending $1000 plus on my airfare alone it'd better be because I am going to be holed up there a long while.

This past winter my sister Heather worked at Disney World. She loved it! I would jealously read her many blog posts about her perfect life and hope that one day I too would live in that magical land. I really, realllyy want to do it still, with my old roommates Dam and En-em-nemily. I am considering my calendar for it for reals.

Anyway Heather wrote this awesome blog post about being local, and I would like to share my favorite parts of it with you....

I don't want to be a tourist. I want to live places. I think I've always been that way. I don't want to visit Florida and take a trip to Disney World, I want to live in Florida and work at Disney World. I don't want to visit Utah for General Conference, I want to live in Utah and study at BYU. I don't want to come home for a few days every summer, I want to live in Maryland for a few weeks and then go back to my other home in Utah.

I want a house in Jamaica! I want to wake up and see the Eiffel Tower outside my window! (Actually wait. I'm not sure if I want to do that. Maybe France is the exception and I just want to visit there, get my picture in front of the tower, and get out. To continue.....) I want to live 10 minutes from the beach! I want to live in a great big Pride and Prejudice-esque house in England and I want to learn how to drive on the wrong side of the road and I want to pick up an accent!

I want to be a local everywhere I go! I don't like vacations. I just like living.

Isn't she awesome?? I seriously have the coolest family. All the things they do are amazing and they accomplish so much! Now back to me.

I hate tourists, even when I am one. I hate how they take pictures of buildings. Example: the Natural History Smithsonian. The lil guy and I will be walking along, excited to go to our favorite displays (because we are LOCALS not stupid tourists), and we will have to stop and (im)patiently wait as some people in front of us stop to take a picture of the building. NEWSFLASH- it's a building. A building people! Are you realllyy going to ever look at that picture again? Are you this attached to blocks of stone/bricks/wood/cement? Will this picture be in your wedding slideshow?

I just looked up "Natural History Museum Smithsonian" on Google images and guess what came up? "About 1,710,000 results in 0.28 seconds." So, people, there are NO shortages of pictures of this museum. In fact, there are wayy too many.

Anyway.

All this is why I have composed a list of the places I wish to live. Ehm.

• Russia: January-June 2013. If I really love it, then I'll definitely be back for more
• Kenya: Minimum of four months, but I'm really hoping for at least a year
• Florida: Again, Disney with Dam and En-em-nemily.
• South Africa: With Gina!
• Hawaii: Julie really wants to do a semester at BYU-Hawaii together, so it'd be about 3-4 months. If that doesn't work out, I won't be heartbroken.
• Australia: Not particularly attached to this one, but if my little brother Joseph still wants to go there in a few years I'll consider living there for a yearish so we can party together!
• Panama: Is a definite maybe. I have always held a sort-of fascination with this place. The LDS Panama Temple is so beautiful looking!

I agree with Heather. I like knowing about that cute little corner shop that bakes the best bread. I like being able to give people directions, and knowing how to follow street signs. I hate using maps and calling frantically for directions. I love having favorite spots that I can visit over and over again. I love learning new things about my city. Honestly guys? I love being local.