Sunday, October 10, 2010

Baby you got the keys....

I am so into driving. I lovee it! I think it is one of the best things. I'm not like, a stunt-driver, but I am good at driving. I put on my lights, I use my signals, I pay attention to road signs and other cars, I stop for pedestrians, I really am a very courteous driver. What annoys the crap outta me is people who someeehow got their license and they absolutely SUCK at driving.

The other day I was driving Julie and Joseph to school. It was raining. I was being very careful, because when it's raining you especially have to be a good driver. Apparently, I was the only one who got that memo.

I swear, everyone turns into idiots when it starts raining. Water is so powerful. It makes people lose their minds. I hopee that I never see any of those people near the beach, or a small pond. Or even a puddle, because I will have no idea how I would anticipate their behavior. Because apparently when it rains you have to pretend that your brain got flushed down the toilet or something.

The worst drivers? Truck drivers. And not even the big semis, even though I hatee driving around them. No. I mean (and I really regret saying this) the F-150s. And 250s and 350s and any other truck like that. Those drivers are STUPID. No exceptions. At alllll.

You know what else makes drivers lose their minds? Traffic circles. I do not understand how this is such a hard concept. You do not switch lanes in a traffic circle. Unless you're an ambulance or whatever. That's fine. But everyone else had better stay put. The other day, I was driving in a traffic circle and not one, but two idiots tried to get into my lane. And guess who they were? Truck drivers. I never would've guessed....

One time I was driving with my friend Peter in his totally awesome red mini cooper with racing stripes, and these boys from school pulled up in the lane next to us. "Race?" they called, and Peter, the walking testosterone bundle that he is, nodded his head and gunned his engine. "How exciting!" I thought. Peter suddenly looked very manly and handsome as he gripped the steering wheel and stared ahead at the road we were about to tear up. I sat comfortably back in my seat and decided that I should drive with Peter more often. I had completely changed my mind 4.5 seconds after the light turned green.

We were off like a bullet. Peter's car goes 0-60 like, 4.5 seconds. I know this because he was yelling out the speed as he floored it.We were going so fast. I was terrified. And to make things even crazier, the boys had absolutely lost all sense of self-preservation. There were I think four cars in this street race and the boys were all taking it very seriously, complete with insane lane switches and loud, manly yells of bravado. I swear I was about to die.

Now don't get me wrong, I lovee going fast. I hope no cops read this, but just in case I am not going to say how fast I have gone, but suffice it to say, I have gone very, very fast. It was exhilarating, and I will totally do it again....on a deserted road. That's the problem with boys like Peter. They pull stunts like that when other people are around. It's dangerous. Just go off by yourself to drive like that.

Now onto merging! Let's discuss this for a second. If there are two lanes, two cars can drive side-by-side. It's like a party. Each one has his own little personal space and it's fine. Whatever. But, pop quiz! What if there is only one lane? Can you drive side-by-side? If you said "yes!" then you gave the very wrong answer. There is only room for one. You have to get in line. That's just the end of it. Because if you don't, then you could crash, or go off the road, or otherwise make an idiot of yourself.

Well, someone made an idiot of himself the other day and unfortunately I got a very good seat that was super-close to all the action. This was also when I was driving Julie and Joseph to school. There is a traffic circle, and then the two lanes merge into one. It is very obvious what's happening, complete with road signs and everything. I was clearly ahead when the lanes merged. I expected the red car behind me (not a truck, surprisingly) to do what everyone else seemed to know how to do, and that was drive. How very silly of me, because I should have realized that he of course did not know how to drive because A) it was raining and B) we had just come from a traffic circle. How could I have expected him to process all that? It was just too much apparently, because all the sudden, I see this red thing right next to my car. I looked over, and the lane is ended. There is one lane now, and this butthead is trying to drive next to me. I was so mad. There wasn't room for him. I was ahead. We were going 45 mph. My sister was in the passenger seat and my brother was in the back, both on the side that this idiot was seconds away from smashing. All because he couldn't get it through his head that he needed to wait. My foot slammed on my brakes the same second that my hand smacked down on the horn. The guy looked over and realization dawned on his face. He had been stupid. He had nearly crashed into me. He had nearly hurt three teenagers. He stepped on it and got out of my way. I was so mad. I called him a very un-lady-like word, but I don't regret it.

All people who put others at risk when they get behind the wheel of the car are that word. Now I realize that even the best drivers get in accidents or make mistakes while driving. I understand. Things happen. But I also happen to understand that some people are not nearly as conscious of the lives they are taking into their hands when they drive. It's not just you that gets hurt when you decide to answer that text, or fiddle with the radio, or completely zone out, or disregard road signs. You're being stupid, and not only that, but you're playing with lives. So yes, if you are such a driver, then you are that word.

Thank you for reading this post, and I hope that the next time you decide to grace the road with your presence that you will remember this nugget of wisdom from none other than Rihanna....

Baby you got the keys,
so shut up and drive.

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