So I'm fairly certain that no one in my FHE group reads my blog, so I feel relatively safe posting this. If one of you do read this, I would have to tell you that this story is completely false and absolutely did not happen no matter what you may read. Ehm. Let's get on with it.
This Valentine's Day my roommate Merrin and I decided that we were going to decorate our FHE father and brother's door to their room. We had it planned out to a freakin T. Listen up.
1. We would have them over for dinner Sunday night to keep them away from the scene of the crime and under our roommates' watchful eyes.
2. We would be called away by Chelsea for a "Relief Society meeting". We would instead go upstairs to the Upper Lounge and change into our "boy" outfits we had stashed there.
3. We would manfully strut to Biddulph and no one would question or deter us as we would stomp up the stairs in such a way that would exude testosterone to the highest level.
4. There would be no one in the hallway when we arrived, and we would have no interruptions as we decorated their door. We would walk right up to the correct door knowing that it was the one and not have to ask anyone for directions, because after all that is NOT what men do.
5. If anyone happened to walk out into the hallway while we were decorating, they would think our actions were perfectly
6. And if worse came to worse and our true gender revealed we would just tell them that we were doing this for our FHE brothers and they would understand why our presence in a strictly BOYS ONLY dorm was necessary and then help us and then fall madly in love with us and then marry us. What??
We were so pumped. We cut out beautiful hearts and wrote silly poems and put on bright red lipstick and kissed every piece of love. We went to the store and got conversation hearts and heart-shaped dove chocolates. We ate none of them. We were very serious about doing this thing right. At the last minute we added my Love Spell body mist from Victoria's Secret. Ohhh yeahhhh.
We packed our manly-looking duffel bag the day before with sweats, hoodies, hats, manly shoes, and of course our supplies. We had the boys come over for dinner that Sunday (the 13th). Now it was time for stage one: get the keys.
We decided right before they arrived that it would be ten times better if we got into their room, so we relieved them of their jackets and sent them off to do menial tasks in the kitchen. The moment they were out of sight we attacked their pockets, looking everywhere for the keys. But nothing was all we found. Eventually we realized that they must be in their pockets.
"Okay everyone!" I clapped my hands. "We're going to play a game. It's called....what's in my pocket??" The boys shot us strange glances but complied, emptying little knick-knacks onto the table when finallyyy, Lynn produced a set of keys.
"Ohhh what is this cute lil thing?" Sierra gushed as she scooped them up.
"Wait-is that a lego Dobby keychain?" Chelsy snatched them away.
"Ohmigosh," I took the keys. "I think it is!"
"It is," Lynn said, a little confused by our enthusiasm. "Can I have it back?"
Giggling, we tossed it around the room, passed it under the table, and generally confused the now key-less boy. He was convinced that Sierra or Chelsy had it, but really Sierra had been supa-sly and hidden it in a nook underneath the table.
Stage one: COMPLETE
Stage two was to leave and disguise ourselves. Chelsea (not to be confused with Chelsy) knocked on our door and, according to plan, told us that we were needed for a Relief Society Meeting. I asked if we could come a couple minutes late, but she said that she had already waited around for awhile. We thought we laid it on pretty thick :) Reluctantly I grabbed my stuff. Before we left, Sierra "dropped" her ring under the table and she grabbed the keys as she reached down to get it. I hugged her goodbye and that is how the keys changed hands. Yes I know the CIA should be recruiting me any minute.
We walked out the door with Chelsea and then parted at the stairs. We hurried down to the Upper Lounge, where we unearthed our bag from underneath a couple pillows in a far corner of the room. We changed and our outfits were as such:
Merrin: Boy shoes, her jeans (she forgot her sweats) pulled low, hoodie, manly knit skit hat with hair pulled back underneath.
Me: My gray knit boots (I don't have boy shoes, but I figured since I was hiding the buttons on the sides under my pants, they just looked supa fly), my boy BYU-I sweatpants which I pulled low so that my black leggings (doubling as boxers) showed, a navy blue hoodie from Merrin and a black track jacket on top in an attempt to hide the fact that yes, I have boobs (didn't work). We stopped by a couple apartments and got a lime green baseball cap from Michelle (who I LOVE) to hide my hair. Also, that's kinda the style for guys here; hoodie with the hood up and a baseball cap underneath. I know, slightly thuggish, but they look hot sooo....
Then we gigglingly stomped down the stairs. This girl saw us and started laughing. "What?" I called in my manly voice. "We're men!"
"Nahh- you're too cute and curvy to be a boy."
I frowned down at my boobs, silently willing them to go away for just the one night. Merrin smacked her bubble butt and we exchanged an uneasy glance. This should've been an indication for us to turn back, but, like men, we shrugged it off and ignored our feelings. We got some confidence from Michelle and then strutted toward Biddulph Hall.
We passed very few people, but I felt compelled to communicate with each of them. "Sup," I called to a group of guys. They gave me a weird look. Merrin and I giggled and kept going. We were not turning back. We had entered stage three: infiltrate Biddulph Hall.
We got to the side door. Several signs on the brick wall and the door told us firmly that there was a strict NO GIRLS ALLOWED policy. We looked at them and then at each other. "Good thing we're men." I grinned, and then pulled open the door.
We hurried up the stairs, meeting no one until we hit the third floor landing. Three boys were walking toward us. I was in front. I glanced back at Merrin for guidance. They could not see our faces. We were undeniably girls- we hadn't even taken our make-up off! Merrin shoved her hands into her hoodie and turned her back, and I did the first thing that came to my head. I had to hide my face, so I did the most girly thing imaginable.
I lifted my arm up like I was yawning and, also like I was yawning, stuck out my chest. Game. Over.
"Hey! What are you doing here?"
I continued to desperately shield my face, holding onto the delusion that they had no idea of our cross-dressing. "Uh, hey man...."
"We know you're girls."
Reluctantly we faced them. "We were just wanting to decorate our FHE brothers' door for Valentine's Day." That should be ok, righttt boys?
Wrong.
"Did you ask the RA?"
It was at this moment that I noticed several things about these boys. One was that they were not attractive. Second was that they were clearly losers who would stop at nothing to ruin Valentine's Day for their more-fortunate neighbors, because they obviously had no one to love them this February 14th. Otherwise they surely would've let us pass and even offer us assistance. Third was that they were very bitter and rude and had huge sticks up their butts.
"No but it's just for Valentines-"
"You have to ask the RA." They said firmly as they looked stupidly at us, attempting to be scary but just coming off as loser-jerks.
"Fine." We stomped down the stairs and out the door, watching two of them walk across the street to the MC. We sauntered into the Lounge, receiving several weird looks from its occupants, but we didn't care. Someeehow we still thought we were fooling everyone. This, my friends, is called wishful thinking. How sad and deluded we were :( But we were on a mission, and this little roadblock would not ruin our awesome beyond awesome plan you could bet our Adam's apples.
Finally we located the RA's office. Unfortunately it was closed, because it was 8:36 on a Sunday night. We called both numbers helpfully supplied on the door for her, but didn't call the two boys listed for fear they were the rude buttheads we met earlier. No answer. I glanced around. To our left was another staircase.
"Merrin, come on."
We again got to the top of the stairs without incident, but just as we victoriously stepped into the hallway, one of the losers from before stepped out into the middle of the hallway.
"Did you get permission?"
"No!" We shouted back defiantly. "But-"
"Then get out of here!"
By this time I was thoroughly done with this boy, and I wanted nothing more than to grow some mega-man muscles and punch his face in. Of course I did not do this, but I still refused to let go of my cover. "Fine, man!" I proclaimed in my deepest voice, and then Merrin and I fled down the stairs and out the door.
Our swagger went severely down as we plodded dejectedly home. I managed a "sup" to a passing girl, and I'm pretty sure she's still traumatized.
We returned Michelle's hat and told her of our failed mission. When we got to the part of my feminine beyond feminine yawn, she exclaimed, "dude! You should just scratched your crotch and pulled down your hat. All boys do that!"
I scolded myself for not remembering this vital aspect of male behavior.
We then changed back into our clothes and stashed the bag for pick-up the next day. When we got inside the house, we sneakily placed Lynn's keys on the floor near his feet, so he'd think he'd just dropped them there. The rest of the night passed with games and chatting. I took guy lessons from the boys, who told me that I could never pass for a boy because of my face and....other things. Ahahahaa :)
But then the next day Lynn told us that he had "no doubt" that each one of us could sneak up one staircase in Biddulph and down another without getting caught. "How much are you willing to bet on that?" I demanded.
"A lot of money." Lynn said confidently. I was so tempted to tell him to cough it up, but I didn't.
When the boys went home and we were cleaning up, I found Lynn's keys still on the ground. "Merrin!" I barked. "This is fate telling us we have to try again!"
So the next morning found Merrin and I at the RA's office, wearing cute Valentine's Day outfits to make us undeniable. Who could say no to two blondes dressed in pink and looking so hopeful?
Apparently Mary could.
Mary is the RA for Biddulph Hall. Several boys were hanging out in her office when we arrived. She was very nice, but sadly shook her head when she heard our request. "I"m sorry, girls aren't allowed upstairs." Heads hanging dejectedly, Merrin and I started walking away. "But you could get a boy to decorate it for you!" she called after us.
"I will!" One of the boys in her office volunteered.
"Me too!" Another said.
Merrin and I smiled again. "Ok. It's for our FHE brothers. They're on the third floor-"
"Wait," the first boy shot us a quizzical look. "Are you those girls who were here last night?"
"What?" I said quickly. "No. Not at all that was most definitely nottt us."
Everyone in the office blinked up at me and I shifted uncomfortably.
"Ok...."
"So here's the stuff." We opened the duffel and pulled out the Tinkerbell folder and packages of candy. "And here are the keys."
Their eyes widened and they looked at us in awe. "Dude, you got their keys?"
Never in my life have I felt so bad-A.
After clearing up that we had not copied the keys (which is apparently not allowed), we handed them the Love Spell body mist, which they proceeded to spray on each other, declaring their satisfaction with the smell. Gosh I love boys.
"Ok so I guess we'll just meet you back here at three for our stuff?"
The boys nodded, still studying our lip-stick ridden notes. "Oh," they grabbed some candy from a bin. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Merrin and I walked happily back to our house, texting the boys to meet us for lunch if they weren't in class to make sure everything went off without a hitch.
In short, everything did not go off without a hitch. There were many hitches. To cover for all of them we had to make up this whole story about me trying to give a boy I liked a Valentine and him rejecting me. It was way embarrassing and entirely Merrin's fault, so I don't understand why sheee couldn't have the fake boyfriend break up with her on Valentine's Day, but whatever.
Around this time Lynn texted me, demanding who had his keys. Busted. I told him that I couldn't reveal who it was because of girl code. Later Lynn came over and told us what happened on his end....
He was sitting peacefully in his room when two crazed men burst through his door, arms full of girly items. Upon seeing him they fled, yelling things like, "Abort mission! Abort, ABORT!" Thoroughly confused, Lynn remained in his room for a few minutes until someone knocked on his door.
Warily opening it, he was relieved to see just his next door neighbor. "Hey man, could you help me with an English paper?"
"Sure! Bring it on over." Lynn said helpfully.
"Actually, I was thinking we could work on it over at my house."
Lynn thought this was a little weird, but his next-door neighbor needed help! He could not deny him. "Umm....ok."
He soon found that his neighbor did not really need any help, but he figured he was just being a little shy about his paper and that one day he would produce it so he could help him edit it. Finally after awhile of awkward conversation, Lynn decided it was time to go back. But when he stepped out into the hallway he saw why his neighbor had been acting so strangely. His door was covered in hearts.
Inside his divinely-smelling room conversation hearts and dove chocolates and paper hearts were scattered all over the floor. A few minutes later, the same two boys who had so rudely interrupted his life earlier walked in and tossed him his keys, explaining that some girls had paid them to decorate his room for Valentine's Day.
Haha :) Lynn thinks that a girl in our ward had asked us to get the keys for her so she could decorate. I think he's slightly suspicious, but not enough to do anything. I like to think we were pretty convincing liars.
So a little after 3pm I showed up in the lobby of Biddulph Hall, looking for the mystery boys who had so graciously helped us. They weren't there.
I went over to Michelle's seeking advice. It was also a cover-up because Lynn showing up with his keys really rocked our world so I faked a rendezvous with the girls responsible for his "heart attack."
Michelle handed me a ward directory and we looked for boys who resembled our helpers who also lived on the third floor of Biddulph. Finally we found a match. Nervously I called the number under "Tyler." I ended up leaving a message, but a few minutes later he called back.
"Tyler! Did you help Merrin and I earlier today with Valentine's at Biddulph?"
"....No."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks! Happy Valentine's Day."
So. Sad.
Michelle's roommate suggested I just call everyone in Biddulph on the menu, but I could not bring myself to do it.
Merrin and I went back today and they stillll weren't there. We left them a note that said,
BOYS! You know who you are.
We need our cute folder and Love Spell body mist back!
Please call us-
1234567890 (not really, I put my actual number)
We're hoping it falls into the right hands because I really miss my Love Spell body mist :(
So happy Valentine's Day! I hope it wasn't as adventurous as mine <3
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