Thursday, November 17, 2011

Nicole's list of things she doesn't believe in

My best friend from growing up, Julia, would hear this phrase rather often. "I don't believe in that."

There are some things that I simply do not believe in. It used to puzzle me when I would hear of some new country trying to get recognized by existing nations. I would be like, why does it matter? It's a new country, why can't everyone just accept this and move on? But I now really understand what the other countries go through. Sometimes you just don't want to believe in something, and I have come up with a list of things I personally do not believe in.

Does anyyyone look good in snorkeling gear?? NO! Why some people would go snorkeling on their honeymoon is beyond me. That is the best way to make your significant other HATE you.

Music/English Majors
The other day I was talking to my friend and she mentioned this guy she was interested in. She proceeded to tell me all these great things about said boy, but then she said these fateful words, "And he's a music major!" We were on the phone, but I know the exact face I would be looking into had we been together. Excited eyes, hands clasped eagerly, wide, aren't-I-so-lucky grin....

"WHAT?!" I choked. "A music major?" The words left a foul taste on my tongue. I couldn't believe I had heard correctly.

Let me be clear; I am a huge appreciator of music. I lovee it. However, I do not like any of the music majors I have been unfortunate enough to cross paths with. They are quite upp-ity about their talents (or lack there-of). Maybe I don't know enough music majors, but if there is one major that can make me run, it is a music major.

Oh, did I say one major? I meant two. English is the 2nd.

Another friend of mine is an English major. She would have crushes on the boys in her major, and tell me about them, and it just so happened that I had grown up with one of them. One day my friend and I were eating lunch and said boy joined us. He was quite different from the quiet, shy boy I have known. He was now extremely blunt, reflecting the personality of a gossipy socialite rather than a poor college student. He criticized the people who passed us by, complained of his professors, and otherwise failed to impress me. My friend on the other hand was uncomfortable, but she still thought the world of him. It was nauseating.

Sick days
I'm lying. I just don't believe in sick days for things like colds and crap. My line is throwing up. If you throw up, you can stay home.

I blame my parents for this attitude. Also my pioneer heritage. Hey, at least I'm not trekking across the plains. Illness pales (haha) in comparison to that.

Because I got such crappy grades in high school, my parents would never let me take a sick day. I have walked around school with tissue boxes before and drank so much water I've had to go multiple times during a 50 minute class. One time, I was so miserable that my teacher actually sent me to the Nurse's office. I called my mom and she came and picked me up. I was eager to crawl into my nice cool bed and sleep it off, but mother had other plans. We went so many places, ran so many errands. Finally I had to just be like, MOM! Pleaseee take me home!

....And she asked me if we could stop by one more place.

New Year's Eve
January 1st is just another day. To me, there is nuh-thing special about it. When Christmas is over I am sad, but I have come to realize that that is mostly because I hate hate hateee New Year's Eve so effing much. It is the most useless holiday EVER.

Satirical essays
You can read this post about how I don't believe in English class. Here is a quote from said blog post....

"Alright so it might seem like I hate English. I don't. I just hate useless things. Literary devices and crap like that have no value in my life. I could care less about them. I love reading and writing (haha obviously) and being literate will help me in my life. I'll need to read the signs on the road and books when I'm bored. But tell me please how literary devices and prose essays will even smell of use beyond my English classroom."

Fruit punch-flavored things
They all taste bad. I have only ever had one fruit punch that I actually liked. It was at my sister Kelly's wedding reception and it was DELICIOUS.

Flu shots
I haven't had the flu in years. I dontt need a shot. I got one yesterday since I'm a nanny. I understand why, but I still hate it. It just seems like a waste of money to me and now my arm is sore and there's this big, angry red welt on it. Hurting.

Garage Bands
I do not believe in you.

One time when we were little Heather and I were making rice krispy treats when we grossly (and I mean grossly) overestimated the amount of marshmallows needed. In order to hide the evidence of our wasteful ways we ate the disgusting gooey white blobs. Ughh. And I have never been the same since.

Bringing your bike on the metro
You have a bike. "Have wheels, will travel" mean anything to you??

Allergy medicine
I have only slightttly appreciated one allergy medicine ever. And all the rest are fakes and I would rather go around sneezing and sniffling the rest of my life on my own than sneezing and sniffling with those useless things wandering around my bloodstream or wherever they go.

Angst-filled, "No one but the darkness understands me" Poetry
My senior year of high school there was this girl in my English class, and my teacher loved her. She would sometimes stop class a few minutes early to read us her latest poem. I sat there, focusing on keeping the bile from rising too far up my throat, each time this happened. Here is what her poems sounded like to me. Ehm.
Cold. I am always cold.
And you are?
It is so difficult.
Difficult to SAY.
But I will, and I am cold.

There was usually a line that went something like, "And then you left!" And every time it was basically a sob story that didn't even make sense, complete with dramatic pauses in the weirdest places. I think my teacher liked them so much because she could always find some abstract meaning in the dark, jumbled half-sentences, whereas I could not and cannot think of a bigger waste of the taxpayers money.

I had this internship once that I didn't even want. I wantedd to work at the Zoo, but no. I was sent to the middle school down the road that had a partnership with NOAA. I am pretty sure the super nice mentor I had hated me, because all these fish started misbehaving and getting sick and dying once my internship started. It wasn't my fault, it was just bad timing. For example- there was a parasite that had laid dormant in the puffer fishs' tank for many years, and then all the sudden it started being all mean.

Anyway. I think it is the biggest waste of time to check the iodine levels in a fish tank. I hated the smell of the poopy water, the NOAA equipment that supposedly worked but somehow baffled three tech-savvy teenagers for approximately eight months, and just basically having to look at fish for three hours straight two days a week. I don't know how mermaids do it.


Push-up Bras
One time I walked into Vic Sec with my sisters. The new Wonder Bra or Miracle Bra or something was out, and they had a bunch on a table. I picked one up and turned to my sister. "Umm excuse me. There is enough padding on this bra for an entire football team." That is when it gets ridiculous people. Raising you two cup sizes is disgusting.

Do you honestly have nothing better to do than tweet, "omg a raindrop fell on my head lol!" Just tyyyping that was painful for me. Twitter seems so stupid and like such a waste of time and a violation of your privacy. No one cares about your life that much, and if they do, you should be concerned.

I appreciate what they do for people, but what am I supposed to do when I go inside? or if I am pushing a stroller? I just don't have enough hands or patience for one.

Online/texting "relationships"
Are not real. Get a life, people.

I was chatting about this with my bff Gina the other day. We were actually school shopping for her, but then I FINALLY found my favorite pens on this here planet Earth after literally years of searching. I, of course, got them, and promptly hid them from my family. I am very serious about these pens.

Which I guess is why I see no use for their cousins, the pencils. I don't even fancy colored pencils- I prefer crayons and markers. The problem with pencils is that the writing fades, the lead runs out, the tips's just a mess.

Minor scales
Are ugly sounding. Music is not supposed to sound that bad on purpose.

Oh my GOSH how annoying is this crap?? The worst of them is "lol." It is far worse than dragging nails across a chalkboard for me. I literally throw up in my mouth every time someone says it to me. If it someehow escapes my lips I promptly slap myself. Twice.

Well that's all for now. I will prolly come back and add more, because there are a lot of things I do not believe in.

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